The Giant, The Cow and The Samurais
by Jugenmujugenmugokonosurikireka
Summary: Lapis and Peridot try to steal some random magic items.


Our story begins in front of the barn, with Lapis waiting, while Peridot comes running holding some beans

"Why took you so long?" Lapis asks

"Those things are not easy to find" Says Peridot "I had to steal it from a boy, who bought it from a baker, who's father stole it from a witch, but Pearl went back and paid for it"

"Ok, just do it already, we don't have all day" Says Lapis

Perdiot puts the beans in the ground

"Wait" Says Peridot "In 5, 4, 3.." A giant beanstalk comes out of the ground

"Well, that was fast" Says Peridot "Ok, I'll be back in some minutes see you later"

Peridot uses a grappling hook gun to get into the top of the beanstalk

In the top of the beanstalk:

Peridot steps in the clouds, but she doesn't fall trough it, because of magic

"Ok, here we are, top of the world, literally, hahahahahahahaHAHAHA :)" Laughs Peridot "Ok, let's go" Says the gem as she sees a giant castle

Inside the giant castle:

Peridot slowly enters trough the space below the door

"SO, YOU'RE THE ONE TRYING TO STEAL MY THINGS, ISN'T YOU?" Says the giant from the castle while holding a small human

"No! no! I'm not!" Lies the scared human "Please, don't hurt me!"

"DO YOU KNOW WHAT I DO TO LITTLE HUMANS THAT TRY TO STEAL MY THINGS?" The giant asks angrily

"No, please!" Says the human

"NOW, I'M GOING TO"

"Hey, Lapis, how many golden eggs we need again?" Says Peridot in the cellphone "Oh, ok."

Peridot takes three giant golden eggs and leads to the door

"Hey, looks, she's steling you eggs, she was the one, the entire time" Lies the human

"WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING" Say the giant

"Oh, I'm taking those eggs" Answer Peridot "Now if you excuse me" Peridot keep walking to the door

"DO YOU KNOW WHAT I DO TO LITTLE HUMANS THAT TRY TO STEAL MY THINGS?" Asks the giant

Peridot stops

"Man, there are so many things wrong with this phrase, first, stop screaming, you have a big mouth, I can hear you" Says Peridot "Second, I'm not a human, and thirt, it is a clear copy of my phrase "Stop breking my things™", you really need to work this out, because that was one of the worst phrases I've ever hear in a long time"

"I DON'T CARE WHT YOU, OR ANY OTHER LITTLE THINGS THINK ABOUT MY PHRASES!" Says the giant

"Ok" Says Peridot "But, speaking about little things, that guy is running away"

Peridot points at the human escaping

"WHAT?" Scream the giant "COME BACK HERE, YOU LITTLE"

Then, Peridot get's out of the castle some seconds before the human starts screaming in pain

Peridot then reaches the top of the beanstalk

"Man, this looks like a big fall" Says Peridot

The giant comes out of the castle and tries to run in Peridot's direction, however, he was so heavy, that not even magic can carry him, and he falls trough the clouds, apparently nobody has ever managed to get out of the castle, so he never had to come out before

"I should have brought a parachute" Says Peridot "Well, what can we do, long way down."

Peridot climbs down the beanstalk as she hear a "BOOM", sound made by the giant reaching the ground

In the barn:

"Ok, here I am" Says Peridot

"Where were you?" Says Lapis "We're running out of time"

"I forgot my parachute" Says Peridot "But it doesn't matter, let's go"

They go to the kitchen

"Ok, so" Says Lapis reading a book "Now that we have the golden eggs, we need milk from a magical cow from the 404,685,642nd Dimension"

... ... ...

"Where did you find that book?" Asks Peridot

"In a sunken pirate ship in the botton of the ocean" Says Lazuli

"Ok" Say Peridot

Peridot picks up a nail clipper and a fridge magnet and uses them to build an inter-dimensional portal gun

"Hey Peridot, aren't you ripping-off that video game?" Asks Lapis

"Oh, wait a second" Says Peridot

Peridot uses a paint can to paint the portal gun in another color, so it can be used without violating international copyright laws

"There, now I'm going, see you later." Says Peridot jumping into the portal

... ... ...

"Ok, so, let's see the other ingredients" Says Lapis reading the book

"Enchanted Butter from the samurai gods?" Reads Lapis "Ok"

Lapis flies away, making a hole in the ceiling, that is probably never going to get fix

Temple of the Samurai Gods:

"My dear Samurai Gods" Says the leader of the Samurai Gods to his army of Samurai Gods "Tonight, we'll have the greatest war in history, tonight, is the night where we'll take over, and kick the weak out of our planet, tonight, the weak humans shall fall, and the powerful humans shall stand, who's with me?"

"YEAHHH" Scream the army of Samurai Gods

Three people in the crowd raise their hands

"What is it this time?" Asks the leader

"Can I use the bathroom?" Asks Bob, the Friendly Samurai

"Climb the stairs, turn left twice and go trough the tenth door." Says the leader

"Thanks" Says bob following the instructions

"You?" Asks the leader

"What's the WiFi password?" Asks Freddy, the Other Friendly Samurai

"MSiXl88HEPo" Says the leader

"Thanks" Says Freddy picking up his cellphone

"Last one?" Asks the leader

"Hey, excuse me" Says Lapis "I'm Lapis Lazuli, and I'm looking for an item called "Enchanted Butter", where can I find it?"

"WHAT?!" Screams the leader "DO A WEAK HUMAN LIKE YOU DARE TO MENTION THE HOLY ENCHANTED BUTTER?"

"Why do villains aways scream?" Complains Lapis "I may not have ears, but I can hear you,"

"YOU..." The leader starts screaming, but Lapis interrupts him

"And also, I'm not human" Says Lapis "That's kind of obvious, I'm freaking blue, you know, like that Eiffel 65 song, it's about me."

"I DON'T..." Lapis interrupts again

"See, screaming again"

"I... I..." Says the leader "I don't care about songs, I'll not give our greatest treasure to you."

"Ok, I'll find it myself" Says Lapis walking towards a random door

"You can't... You..." Says the leader "SAMURAIS, STOP HER."

"Stop screaming" Says Lapis "What's up with generic villains and screaming?"

The Samurai Gods prepare their magic swords and attack Lapis with a combined attack

A few moments later:

"Ok, guys" Says Bob the Friendly Samurai coming back trough the door "Now, where were we?"

"Um, what?" Says Freddy the other Friendly Samurai, who was paying attention to his cell phone

"Where's everyone?" Asks Bob

"A tsunami killed them away, and took the Enchanted Butter, I think, I was watching a video when it happened" Says Freddy

"Oh, which video?" Asks Bob

"Oh, this cat video, look..." Says Freddy

They then watched cat videos and lived happily ever after, I think

In the barn:

"Ok, here we are" Says Peridot placing a mix of all the ingredients in the oven "Now we just need to wait, and it's done"

"Nice" says Lapis "Go tell the gems"

"Ok" Says Peridot

Peridot walks of the barn and calls the gems with her cellphone

"Hey, gems" Says Peridot "We almost finished the cake... "What cake"? Steven's birthday cake, you guys asked us to bake it... What you mean by "It was for yesterday"?"


End file.
